When They Judge Me

Whenever I open up to someone, I become vulnerable. I don't keep secrets. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But it saddens me every time when my transparency makes me fall prey to others' snap judgement. A question begins to echo in my head: Why did I trust someone one more time? I curse myself for disrespecting my own privacy. I shouldn't have let my guarded heart break into wilderness again. An urge to distance myself from the crowd flows through my veins. Soon, a familiar feeling visits my heart. It hits me hard when I realise once again that I don't belong anywhere.

—Amrit Versha

Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Sometimes, I think that it's better to die from cancer than to live with OCD because at least, in the case of cancer, you would be certain that death would end your sufferings. But OCD, unlike cancer, is a leech, which keeps sucking life out of you every day. It makes you its slave. You unwillingly follow its orders every day. It compels you to analyse your thoughts, to seek assurances, to keep checking everything for a particular number of times, and to become a clean freak. It makes you get scared of your own mind, and whole day, it keeps asking you to worry about almost everything. The mind of an OCD patient has its own world, which is full of worries, anxiety, self-doubts, and scary thoughts. 

People try to make OCD sound normal by saying that it's very common, but they should also know that it's very painful, too. OCD sucks, and living with it requires courage. To the people who don't know anything about it but easily say things like it's nothing, these are just your thoughts, distract yourself, keep yourself busy, and you can control your thoughts, I would say, "If you really want to help someone suffering with OCD, you should read about it and do some research. And, if you can't do so, just lend an ear to that person, and let him know that you are there for him. But always avoid saying anything when you know nothing."

—Amrit Versha

Toxic Love

Screen of my phone flashes, and there, I see your name. All the vibrant dreams of my ambitious mind appear so dull now. My world of thoughts has got confined to you. The vivid visions of future that my wishful eyes used to see have vanished now. There stands in front of me a path so blur. My tranquil heart with a bliss so rare now pounds restlessly. How can a single message from you be so powerful? The turmoil in my heart has left me perplexed. What your name does to my soul is purely toxic. 

So, is it really love? 

An emotion that chases away my peace.

An emotion that brings the worst out of me.

An emotion that drives me insane.

—Amrit Versha

Forever is a beautiful lie that we blindly believe in. Our hearts are so delicate and vulnerable that we try to keep them safe under the armour of 'always'. But, one day, reality enters and turns this pretty lie into an ugly truth, and then, with our broken hearts, we realise that even forevers are temporary.

—Amrit Versha

Holy Disaster

In a flaming outburst of fury, I picked up a beautiful flower vase from my table, and crashed it to the floor. My burning eyes savoured the thrill of the spectacle. When I saw a flawless work of art crack into a thousand fragments, my broken soul rejoiced. Through the anarchy of those perfect ruins echoed the disorder of my heart. How peculiar it was to find peace in loss and relief in damage! The storm of my rage ended as a flood of tears, and this overflow of grief swept away my distress.

—Amrit Versha

Without You

Mom, sometimes, when I start imagining my life without you, I paint a picture in my head, which is not at all bright.

I would fill my room with your belongings—your clothes, your bangles, your bindis, your purse, your mobile phone—that would remind me of you. Maybe this would be my way to keep you close. I would often smell your clothes to feel your presence around me. Missing your bittersweet taunts, I would scold myself every now and then. Missing the dishes you made, I would cook daily. Without you, kitchen would never be a happy place. On my bad days, I would caress my face, imagining my hands to be yours, and on my good days, I would look at your photo and bless myself on your behalf.

Mom, there would never be a day when I would not shed a tear, wishing you were here. Without you, a part of my heart would always be empty, and every day, in desperation, I would hope to meet you in heaven.

—Amrit Versha

Break-up

In the morning, when my lazy eyes just refused to open, I, with a desperate movement of my hands and with a thudding heart, tried to look for my phone. 

Each thud knew what I wanted.

I wanted his message. 

Oh, I craved to see his name in my notifications. 

I checked my inbox. I checked my call logs. I checked them again and again, even though I knew that it was of no use.

Then, for a while, I kept staring at the wall in front of me. 

I felt nothing but empty, like I was suddenly robbed of everything. 

I kept lying in bed for hours and realised that I could not even think about anything without thinking about him. 

I burst into tears and cried my eyes out.

And, once my sobbing was over, my wise little brain decided to butt in with its words of wisdom.

"Yes, it's over, and you're terribly hurt. You feel like your life has fallen apart, and everything has awfully changed. You miss how you eagerly used to wait for your phone to ring. But now, you know that there would be no special calls anymore, and while chatting, you would not smile and blush. Yes, that phase is over. Dear, you have all rights to weep as much as you want. But there is one thing that you must keep in mind—this break-up broke the relationship you had with him, but it didn't break you. You're still the same person—strong, lively, and quite capable of pulling yourself together. So, once you are done with grieving, get up and promise yourself that you would never look back and no matter what happens, you would not allow yourself to be weak."

Amrit Versha